Marriage...not all its Cracked up to be? Divorce Equality?

You would think from listening to right wing pundits that gay marriage is key to the breakdown of America’s moral order. But, If statistics are to be believed, that threat to marriage comes more from the break-up of heterosexual unions since the introduction of no fault divorce in the 1970s. Today close to half of marriages in the United States end in divorce (with 20% occurring during the first five years). Marriage, it turns out, is its own worst enemy.

Only on our twitta postings, http://www.twitter.com/familyblendz have we been screaming to the top of our lungs about understanding what the real fight for equality is gearing up to be about...and its not marriage. Equality comes in a whole heap of dosages and marriage is just the pill, but legal separation, divorce, child custody and visitation represents that pill's jagged edges.

When Massachusetts approved gay marriage, that ruling came nearly six years ago, made gay divorce an inevitable progression from marriage, especially in the United States: gay divorce, yup-thats right!

While gay divorce statistics aren’t readily available, since gay marriage is still the flavor-flight of the day,the media coverage of same sex divorces leaves some wondering if this phenomena will be an additional argument for conservatives to use to deny equality.

Familyblendz.blogspot.com has been blasting this same point in defense of what will come from the right wing edges of the opposing views. Your distractions to push further into the marriage arguement will cause you to miss the next wave of the encroaching armies of disbelievers who just need one trending number of broken homes, disenfranchised minors and distorted lives. This will be the wind at their backs to continue to prevent equality in the homes of america.

What, though, is more pressing is the manner with which these divorces are handled across state lines, especially with most states not recognizing gay marriages in the first place.

First Comes Marriage...

Massachusetts became the first state to legalize same sex marriage, and in the first four years more than 10,000 marriages were performed for gay and lesbian couples. In the ensuing years a number of states approved gay marriage (New Hampshire, Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Washington, D.C.); some approved then rescinded the decision (California, Maine); and a handful may not allow gay marriages to be performed within their borders, but recognize those from other states (New York, Rhode Island, and Maryland), While in California, following the passage of Proposition 8 in 2008, some 18,000 marriages (which took place over a short four-month window from June to November) are recognized by the state.

Back in 2004, there was early on a lot of uncertainty following the Massachusetts ruling. Ken Harvey, author of the upcoming book A Passionate Engagement: A Memoir, remembers what it was like to get engaged and planning a wedding following the legalization.

"Those six months were fairly uncertain whether people going to get married," explained Harvey. "It was a time of being hopeful but not wanting to get crushed."

Harvey got married in January 2005 during Martin Luther King Jr. weekend.

But what of gay divorce in Massachusetts? Do the numbers match the national rates? Some early statistics have come out that those states with legalized gay marriage also have a lower divorce rate than other states. Massachusetts alone is the state that has seen the fewest divorces occurring over the last few years. In fact the state had the lowest divorce rate in the nation in 2007, revealed a report from the Division of Vital Statistics last October.

According to the Washington Post, "Nearly 10,000 gay and lesbian couples married after the ruling. Massachusetts does not keep records on the number who have divorced, but lawyers who specialize in family cases say it is in the dozens."

However, making a blanket statement that legalizing same sex marriage will lower the divorce rate in that state is too soon.

"We only have data back to 2004; six years isn’t enough to tell," Dr. Joni Frater, co-author of "Love Her Right: The Married Man’s Guide to Lesbian Secrets for Great Sex."

Daniel Clement, a divorce lawyer practicing in New York City, also warns against putting too much faith in the statistics because lower divorce rates have been a trend across the board.

"In states with same sex marriage, divorce has declined. I can’t explain it," Clement said. "The divorce rate as a whole has been down the same time the economy tanked.

"The statistics are skewed. In our society people move a lot, particularly in this economy and need to change jobs and find jobs in different states," concurs Steven Knowles, of Knowles Collum LLP in California. 


While the states are still arguing whether or not to even allow gay couples to get married, the first wave of same sex couples looking to divorce are making their way to the courts. But with no federal ruling, the divorce proceedings for some couples have made national headlines that would normally not even be mentioned in newspapers.

When Julie and Hillary Goodridge, lead plaintiffs in Massachusett’s landmark gay marriage case, announced they were seeking a divorce in February, 2009, the media treated the news as if they were Hollywood celebrities on the skids.

In Texas, a case involving a couple looking to get divorced made headlines late last year when Judge Tena Callahan ruled that the divorce proceedings could continue in the state that doesn’t even recognize the marriage.

The case brings to light another issue that hasn’t been discussed quite as much. If a couple gets married and then moves to a state that has either banned or not yet ruled same sex marriage, the law doesn’t quite know how to handle those relationships.

"It’s cause and effect. One can’t be divorced if not married," explained Clement. "The truth of the matter is there will be gay divorce. Every relationship ends - either through death, hopefully at a ripe old age, or break up."

There are currently three types of states. First, states like Massachusetts where marriage is legal and therefore the right to get divorced is treated the same way as heterosexual marriages. Second, states like New York where same sex marriage is not legal, but they recognize the marriages from other states. In this case divorces are also treated the same as have always been. Third are states like California and Texas were same sex marriages are not legal or recognized. It’s in the last set of states that things are trickiest.

"Divorce laws have trailed so far behind," explains Kathryn Dickerson, a partner at SmolenPrevy in Virginia. "It’s not a top priority for some people. When you think about the number of gay couples divorcing, there’s other things the government is working on."

Because the laws have trailed behind, there are loopholes for people who want to get a divorce. One such loophole is at the center of the Miller-Jenkins custody battle currently unfolding in Virginia.

The couple had committed in a civil union eight years ago. But then Miller, the biological mother, denounced her sexuality and became a devout Baptist. In doing so she also moved to Virginia, a state that doesn’t recognize any same sex unions.

"In family law, the heart of the matter is child custody battles," said Glenn Sacks, National Executive Director of Fathers and Families. "All play out very similar to Miller-Jenkins. The only difference is Miller has found God and God hates gays."

What Lisa Miller did in the custody battle is something called forum shopping, which is currently allowed with all same sex marriage disputes. Forum shopping allows the person to find the place where the filer would have the most favorable results. As it currently stands, if someone in a marriage they can move to another state and establish residency to get the results they want.

"They shop for the proper forum. If one state is legal. Kind of like Miller did; it opens things up to legal shenanigans," explains Sacks.

Dianna Gould-Saltman, a partner at Gould-Saltman Law Offices in California, agrees that forum shopping opens the couple to play games with each other. " When only six states are giving [marriage equality], there’s always going to have one partner benefitting.

Another loophole that exists is if a couple moves to a state that doesn’t recognize their marriage, the couple is actually free to just break up and walk away as if they were never married. However, for couples who move to a non-recognizing state, there are some steps that can be done to keep some aspects legal. The couple could look into contractual rights, such as Marvin claims, which puts things in a contract to be followed.

"You have to prove there was a contract. Sex doesn’t matter," explains Knowles. "It doesn’t have to be written. It can be implied by conduct."

Conservative Field Day

With a few notable cases making their way through the court system, same sex divorce has been making headlines - mainly because not all states know how to handle them if marriage equality hasn’t been granted in that state.

With these early divorces making headlines, the conservatives opposing same sex marriage could go on the attack pointing out how quickly the marriages are being dissolved. But some warn that if any kind of campaign was to be started it would actually have a negative effect on the conservatives groups making the claim.

"No question it will be used against us," said Harvey. But he warns, "When the divorce rate is 50 percent, not a lot of finger wagging can be done." 


Didn’t work for Segregation

One thing that most people are in agreement about is that letting states decide how to handle the issue of legalizing same sex marriage is not the way to achieve anything.

"Leaving it up to the state is crap. It didn’t work for segregation," explained Esther Lastique, co-author of Lover her Right. "When left to their own devices, small minds have so much power."

Knowles agrees that the red states who adamantly oppose same sex marriage will not go willingly into accepting all types of marriages. But if the federal government steps in it would speed up the process.

"Ultimately, it will take action on the federal. The very red states are not going to partake in same sex marriage until they have to," Knowles opines.

With the piecemeal way that marriage equality has been being granted, there is still a lack of acceptance of marriage as an expected progression in life within the LGBT community. In heterosexual relationships, it is expected that marriage is the ultimate endgame for a couple at some point. However the same isn’t necessarily seen in gay community.

"Marriage in the heterosexual world is an expected marker of life. I don’t know if it is with same sex couples," said Harvey.

It’s an opinion that Knowles agrees with.

"In heterosexual couples, it’s expected to get married sooner or later. Not so much in gay relationships," Knowles said. "It’s not as inevitable."

Major fight for the rights of our U.S. Soldiers

A lesbian Air Force sergeant from Fairbanks who was outed by local police in Rapid City, S.D., has returned to Alaska, and the American Civil Liberties Union has launched a campaign to encourage Rapid City to apologize to her and compensate her, reports The Associated Press.

The Rapid City police chief says his officers acted appropriately. They spotted the marriage certificate when they showed up at Newsome's South Dakota home in November with an arrest warrant for her wife, who was wanted on theft charges in Fairbanks. Now, I'm sure that I am not the only person who watched our president announce at his last State of the Union as well in front of the Human Rights Campaign National Conference that we would no longer do this to our soldiers?

Looks like we're still doing it Mr. President. So lets get this right; Jene Newsome did not commit a crime, she performed honorably and because she was found to be gay, she was FIRED. Something is wrong with this situation.

Jene Newsome's honorable discharge [after nine years in the Air Force] under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy came after police officers saw an Iowa marriage certificate in her home and told officials at the nearby Ellsworth Air Force Base. The ACLU complaint claims the officers violated Newsome's privacy when they informed the military about her sexual orientation.

Folks, we have to remember what the "family" is for. We are here to bring this message of equality to all those who will listen and support those who are being disenfranchised. I hate to sound as if there are other options...because there are none. We speak out, live Outloud and stand together as a family. As a former military veteran myself, this is wrong. To think that someone can enter my home and without cause, notify my job to inform them of who joins me in my bed....exactly. UNFAIR.

Miss. Ends HIV Prisoner Segregation

The Mississippi Department of Corrections has agreed to stop segregating prisoners with HIV, ending a practice that ostracized inmates and prevented them from accessing resources available to other prisoners. According to a joint news release from the American Civil Liberties Union and Human Rights Watch, which advocated for the change, corrections commissioner Christopher Epps made the decision.

The move leaves Alabama and South Carolina as the only states that continue to segregate prisoners with HIV, a practice more common during the early days of the HIV epidemic. “Public and correctional health experts agree that there is no medical basis for segregating HIV-positive prisoners within correctional facilities or for limiting access to jobs, vocational training and educational programs available to others,” said the news release on Wednesday.

“Since 1987, however, MDOC has performed mandatory HIV tests on all prisoners entering the state prison system, and has permanently housed all male prisoners who test positive in a segregated unit at the Mississippi State Penitentiary, the state’s highest security prison. As a result, prisoners with HIV have been faced with unjustified isolation, exclusion and marginalization, and low-custody prisoners have been forced unnecessarily to serve their sentences in more violent, more expensive prisons.”

As you know, Familyblendz maintains a vigil on equality for all people, bound or free. My goal is to prevent anyone from having to place themselves in positions whereby others can further segregate them, malign them or worse, treat them unfairly.

The change means that HIV positive prisoners now can participate in training programs and jobs like kitchen work, and avoid public disclosure of HIV status that results from being housed in a separate unit. A desegregation policy will be phased in for prisoners currently in the separate HIV unit, and new prisoners will be incorporated into the general population immediately.